December 31, 2015

Goodnight 2015.


I'm sitting in bed, sipping wine and watching Star Wars as the clock winds down on 2015. Occasionally, I glance at the monitor on my nightstand and watch our sweet, sweet Holland sleep peacefully. This year has been hard, yet wonderful. 

It started with sadness. I miscarried our first pregnancy and my sorrow was deep. But soon, I learned I was carrying a new, precious gift and my heart, though still healing, was light again. But with pregnancy, came extreme sickness and I spent the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy more sick than I had ever been in my entire life. As my sickness finally waned, I enjoyed a beautiful summer with Adam. We worked on the yard. We painted shutters. We generally enjoyed life together. 
Then, sadness struck again as my grandmother was suddenly taken from us. One month later, as the family was still mourning, my cousin was tragically killed. It was a hard, hard two months. I cried so many tears for my loss, for my father's loss, for my aunt's loss... for loss in general. 

But with sadness comes joy and with our loss, came gain.  In October -- after 42 weeks of pregnancy and 47 hours of labor -- we gained our precious Holland. I will be the first to admit it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine at first. I spent many nights rocking her in tears... wondering how we could have made such a grave mistake! Why would we have ever wanted to give up our easy, parentless lives? 

But tonight, as I rocked that same little girl to sleep, I cried for a different reason. I cried because I can't imagine saying goodbye to the year of her birth. How is it possible that it shall never be 2015 again? I love her so. There aren't words for how much that little soul moves mine. 

This year has been a year of both tragedy and blessings for my family. I suppose, in some sense, all years are. Right now, I have some balls in the air and I'm not quite sure what 2016 holds. The thought is both scary... but exciting. Life can take us anywhere... at any time. 

I won't make it 'til midnight. Soon, I'll give the baby monitor one last glance and then I'll lay down my head knowing that I'll wake up in the early hours of 2016 to feed our precious girl and rock her back to sleep. It will be a honor to spend my first moments of 2016 in quiet connectedness with her.

So for now, I guess I'm saying goodbye to 2015. Goodbye to the year that I said goodbye to people I loved dearly and said hello to one precious little girl that I love deeply. Never again will it be the year that I welcomed her into this world... the year that I grew her in my belly. But soon, it will be the year that she learned to walk.. learned to speak. I have so many firsts to look forward to and I will rejoice for that as I close my eyes tonight. 

Goodbye 2015. And goodnight. 

4 comments :

  1. I love how vulnerable you are in your words! Rarely do we hear about mothers who think "why did we do this?!" but I'm sure it goes through every mother's mind, especially in the first few, hard weeks. Life is a roller coaster, but here are to many firsts of 2016!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Happy New Year to you all! I'm so sorry that 2015 was filled with so much sorrow, but also excited that Holland has filled you with such joy! I hope 2016 will be amazing for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hate goodbyes but I love the idea of a fresh start and a new year to see Clara grow and change. This is going to be such a big year for Holland and your family! She's going to change so much :-) Happy New Year! -- Lisa | Two Martinis

    ReplyDelete

We love hearing from our readers. Thank you so much for your support!

CUSTOM BLOG STYLED BY PRETTYWILDTHINGS